


he stumbled [out of faith]

by Nara



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Developing Relationship, Disillusionment, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Implied Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Relationship as a background device, based on a Regina Spektor song, blue lips, the end of the world as we know it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 04:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20886275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara/pseuds/Nara
Summary: They started off beneath the knowledge tree / Then they chopped it down to make white picket fences / They marched along the railroad tracks / And smiled real wide for the camera lenses / They made it past the enemy lines / Just to become enslaved in the assembly lines~~~Over the years, and in many ways, Aziraphale wonders, "God, is this all there is?"





	he stumbled [out of faith]

**Author's Note:**

> I've been taking every song I have ever heard in my life and relating it to Good Omens.
> 
> And I got to "Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor and thought "Oh, maybe this is all there is."
> 
> I was honestly introduced to this song by the AMV back in the Homestuck fandom. If you were there, you know the one. And I fell a little bit in love with the song, with Ms. Spektor...
> 
> And I love how the line is, "Blue...the most human color" and we use it constantly to describe non-human characters who are, nonetheless, honestly, truly, human.
> 
> I meant this to be a little more about Aziraphale becoming disillusioned with Heaven and the angst it caused him, but it ended up a little shippier and a little less angsty.

Aziraphale stood atop the wall surrounding Eden. He looked in awe and wonder at the paradise beneath him, leaning on the hilt of his flaming sword.

“God,” he whispered, “This is all there is.”

“Of course, my dearest Principality.”

Aziraphale stumbled, nearly dropping his sword into the foliage below as God Herself appeared beside him, taking a form which very few had the privilege of seeing.

Righting his sword, Aziraphale wondered deliriously if it had fallen whether or not it would have set the forests on fire. That would be very bad. Or if the flames were magical enough that nothing would burn. But then he’d have to leave his post to reclaim the sword, which would also be bad.

God watched Aziraphale and smiled gently, waiting until he had finished his panic. Suddenly, Aziraphale blanched.

“Ah, Holy Mother!” He attempted to bow but stumbled again. She smiled and shook Her head.

“None of that, darling Aziraphale.”

“I am honored by your presence. I did not mean to invoke your Name so frivolously. And I didn’t mean “all” as in “just” or “only!” I just, oh there’s that word again…I, uh…meant that it was everything! I mean, of course it’s everything. This is paradise. Oh dear…”

She patiently placed a finger to Aziraphale’s lips, shushing him.

“Aziraphale, I understand. Be at peace.”

Aziraphale relaxed under her kind gaze and his own eyes broke contact to stare again at Eden.

“It really is beautiful. The most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Sweet Principality, it is your job to protect this Garden, this Eden, and the humans that reside within it. You are the Guardian of the Eastern Gate, really the _only_ Gate if we are being technical.” She chuckled, which was such an odd sensation to behold, Aziraphale didn’t know how to react, even if he could.

“Aziraphale,” She continued, “Do not lose Faith. Do not question how, when, or why, but these humans are my most blessed creation. They shall live forever in the Garden, and life shall be Beautiful.”

Aziraphale nodded solemnly, accepting his duty and the words of his Mother. She knew what was best. After all, She was the Creator.

She gestured at the expanse of Eden and smiled one more time, “Because this is all there is.”

~~~

“So…this is all there is.” Crawley hissed in disgust.

Aziraphale turned to look at him. “Whatever do you mean?”

Crawley scowled, gesturing towards the great Ark that Noah was building. He flapped his hand. “This…this monstrosity! It’s supposed to save humanity?”

Aziraphale flinched, “Well, not…not all of humanity. Just Noah and his family. And I suppose people in other parts of the world won’t be affected by the flood…it’s really only this section. Though this is the part of the world that She has focused her divine attention on, so it’s really the most important part and…”

Hissing, Crawley cut off Aziraphale’s rambling. “Just Noah and his family? _Just _Noah and his family! Her divine attention, huh? What a blessing.” He sneered, “But what about the kids? All these children. They’ve done nothing wrong. And She, in all her infinite wisdom, is going to drown them? She’s going to _murder_ them? The sins of the father, bah!” Crawley turned away from Aziraphale, trying to inconspicuously wipe at his eyes, where tears had formed.

“You can’t…” he whispered, “You can’t kill kids.”

Aziraphale felt a pang in his heart at Crawley’s words. He wouldn’t question Her divine wisdom. He couldn’t. She always knew what was best, it was part of Her omniscience, Her benevolent omnipotence. But he couldn’t explain that to Crawley. He was a _demon_. He would never understand the truth of Her light.

Crawley turned back towards Aziraphale. “Hey angel, if, say, some kids made their way onto the Ark, perhaps with some demonic assistance – not because saving kids is good or anything, but because it went against Her word – would She…would She kill them?”

Aziraphale paused, unsure whether to smile or frown at Crawley’s unsubtle question.

“I suppose…” he said slowly, “If children made it onto the Ark, it would have to be a part of Her plan in the first place, wouldn’t it?”

Crawley grinned widely. “Of course. Her Great Plan. She knows everything.”

Aziraphale frowned at the blatant disregard and disrespect Crawley was showing for the Lord, but the Serpent was already walking away.

“See you again, angel!”

Aziraphale turned back to face the Ark and wondered if he was right in what he said. It had to be a part of Her plan if it ended up happening, right?

The rain began to fall.

~~~

The cries of the man being crucified rang in the ears of all who were present. Aziraphale looked away.

“God, this is all there is?” he murmured, invoking Her name. She did not respond. He did not expect Her to. She hadn’t responded personally to any angel in many years – even giving the order to Gabriel to announce the birth of Christ to Mary through the Metatron.

“He’s Her son, isn’t he?”

“Crawley, nice of you to stop by” Aziraphale said with a roll of his eyes.

“Actually, it’s _Crowley _now, thank you. But how could She let this happen to Her own son?”

Aziraphale flinched as Jesus cried out again. He didn’t know the answer to Crawley – _Crowley’s_ – question.

“Her…Her plan. That is…that’s all there is.”

“How do you know?”

Startling, Aziraphale finally met Crowley’s eyes. “How do I know, what?”

“That this is all there is?”

Aziraphale frowned. “Because it has to be so.”

Crowley shook his head. “But you don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Of course I do.”

“But not _really._”

Aziraphale said nothing and Crowley continued.

“Humans have free will. Sure, I may have tempted Eve into taking a bite of that apple the very first time, but every single decision they made after that has been their own. That guy they’re stringing up over there? He preached happiness and good will towards others. And you know what the other humans decided? They decided ‘fuck that guy.’ Do you think that, in God’s Great Plan, she would have let them murder someone advocating for peace? She’s changed her deal, hasn’t she? From vengeful to kind? Whatever. And Angels have free will, too! Maybe even if they’re not supposed to – we fought a war over it? Remember? And then some of us Fell.” He paused, looking morosely at the ground for a moment, before looking back up, catching Aziraphale’s gaze with fire and fury in his eyes, “And you! You _gave away your sword. _And then, and then you _lied to God’s face_! You lied to Her face! And if that’s not choice, if that’s not free will, then what is? _How can this possibly be all there is?”_

Crowley was hissing by the end of his diatribe, frustrated and angry. Aziraphale eventually turned his head away, unable to keep holding the eyes of his adversary. He wasn’t right. He couldn’t be. The Great Plan had to be the only way.

It was the only thing he knew.

~~~

As the years passed and Aziraphale protected and blessed and Crowley destroyed and tempted, there was a balance that was struck and an Agreement forged.

And for a time, that’s all there was.

And if Crowley looked at Aziraphale over drinks in Rome as the angel delicately ate the oysters he had “tempted” the demon into joining him for and he thought, “Well, this is all there is,” then no one would blame him.

And if the same demon rescued the same angel from discorporation during the French Revolution and then they got crêpes, and the demon looked at the unbridled relief at being rescued, at the joy in the angel’s eyes over the simple act of food, and the demon melted, thinking, in rapture, “Well, this is all there is,” then no one would blame him then either.

~~~

Aziraphale slammed the door to bookshop and sank to the ground, furiously scrubbing tears from his eyes. Choking out a sob, he covered his face with his hands.

“How could…how could Crowley ask for that? I thought we were friends…I thought he would…I thought we would…” Aziraphale whispered to no one, the sound muffled behind his palms. “I can’t believe that…I can’t believe that this is all there is.”

Holy Water. The Demon – his _friend_ – wanted Holy Water as what? Insurance?

Aziraphale wouldn’t give it to him. He wouldn’t. Crowley would destroy himself and then Aziraphale would be all alone.

As soon as the thought entered his head Aziraphale froze, lowering his hands. He wouldn’t be alone. He would still have his work, and his colleagues in Heaven. People who were on _his_ side, not his adversary’s.

…When had Crowley become more important to him than the entirety of heaven? Heaven was his home, Heaven was the place where things were Good. And Crowley, no matter what he said, no matter what companionship they had formed…he was Bad.

Wasn’t he?

But a true demon…someone who was really Bad, wouldn’t ask for Holy Water. They wouldn’t risk it.

Aziraphale suppressed a tearful shudder as he stood up. He needed to talk to Crowley again. He wouldn’t give him a suicide pill. He wouldn’t. Because then, for Aziraphale, all there would be…he wouldn’t think of it.

Aziraphale rushed out the door, heading to where Crowley currently resided. He rarely went to Crowley’s home, but this was an emergency. Wasting no time upon arrival, he rang the doorbell frantically.

No one answered.

“Maybe…maybe he hasn’t returned home yet? It’s only been a few hours…” Aziraphale muttered to himself. He didn’t think Crowley would still be at St. James Park, and even if he was, Aziraphale knew he wouldn’t be able to find him.

Aziraphale made his way around London, taking special care to check if Crowley was lurking around any of his usual haunts. Still, he couldn’t find him.

Reluctantly, Aziraphale returned home. He wrote a letter and posted it to Crowley’s home, imploring the demon to respond as soon as possible.

Days passed and he didn’t receive a response. Then weeks.

Aziraphale went back to Crowley’s home several times, ringing the bell to no answer.

Months went by. Years. Aziraphale lost hope that Crowley would return at all. He feared that he had lost his friend.

He continued the Arrangement; on the chance Crowley did return it wouldn’t do to have Hell be angry with him. If he wasn’t already in Hell for some unknown reason. Or if he had gone back to Hell of his own free will.

Aziraphale hoped Crowley would return. He wasn’t sure he could bear it if this is really all there is.

~~~

Crowley came for him.

He had been asleep. For nearly a century, he had been asleep!

But Crowley came for him in the church, even as it burned him, traipsing across consecrated ground. Even as it put him in danger.

A century of not speaking to one another. A century of not knowing whether Crowley was back in Hell, dead, or just avoiding him. In spite of all that, Crowley came for him.

These thoughts rapidly spiraled through Aziraphale’s head as Crowley joked with and threatened the nazis. Warmth bloomed in Aziraphale’s chest. _Crowley _came for _him_.

The nazis were angry and fearful as Crowley said there was a bomb heading directly towards their location. Aziraphale tuned back into the conversation in time to also feel fear as the bomb came closer and closer. He had to think quickly. He had to perform a miracle…a miracle to save himself and Crowley.

And Aziraphale did.

Aziraphale had so many questions for Crowley. Why had he slept for a century? How did he know where to find Aziraphale? How did he always seem to know when Aziraphale was in danger? But then Crowley brushed the dirt off his shoulders and smiled, and the questions disappeared, his mind momentarily blank. A moment later he did, however, remember the books.

He fretted, he was distraught, but then Crowley winked at him with “A little demonic miracle of my own,” and Aziraphale got the wind knocked out of him.

Their fingers brushed, lingering as the bag exchanged hands. And as Crowley walked away, bidding Aziraphale to follow, the angel blushed, looking at the demon’s retreating back.

_Oh,_ he thought, _now _this_ is all there is_.

~~~

It had been only a few years over a century from when Crowley first asked to when Aziraphale gave the demon the Holy Water. He didn’t want his friend to die in his quest, whether inadvertently or quite on purpose.

But this time, when Aziraphale slammed the door to his bookshop and found himself on the floor sobbing, he was not angry with Crowley. He was angry with himself.

_You go too fast for me, Crowley_.

“Bloody fool!” Aziraphale swore at himself in his rage. “He’ll leave again! He’ll…he’ll go to sleep! Or find some other city, some other angel…”

Aziraphale knew that was ridiculous. There were no other angels on Earth, at the very least. But logic was not currently making its way to his brain.

He slumped against the wall, suddenly exhausted. “God,” he hissed, swearing, not praising or invoking Her name, but swearing, “This is all there is, isn’t it?”

As frequently (or infrequently, as the case may be) as Aziraphale and Crowley saw each other, there wasn’t much grounds for a relationship of any kind, save that they were the only two supernatural beings on Earth. They were on opposite sides – Good and Evil, Heaven and Hell – but they had inexplicably formed a friendship. Aziraphale knew, blasphemous as it may be to say, that he felt more connected with Crowley and with Earth than he had felt with any of the other angels or Heaven for a very long time.

From all the way back in Mesopotamia, when Crowley showed how much he _cared_, even if he was questioning her Divine Wisdom, to the oysters in Rome, the crêpes in France, Hamlet at the Globe. When Crowley brought him chocolates – _chocolates! _– to celebrate the opening of his bookstore…where Aziraphale even dithered about returning to heaven…what should have been grand reward felt more like a punishment…to finally the church where Crowley saved him from the nazis. Aziraphale knew there was something about Crowley, maybe even as far back as the Garden. Aziraphale knew if any other angel had been the Guardian of the Eastern Gate when Crowley had slithered up, the Great Tempter, the Serpent of Eden, the demon would have been destroyed in divine grace on the spot. But Aziraphale didn’t. He held up his wing and sheltered Crowley from the rain.

And now Aziraphale might have chased Crowley away for good.

Aziraphale had seen the hurt on Crowley’s face before he got out of the car, he knew his admission had cut the demon deeper than when he had first refused him Holy Water.

But how could he say to Crowley, _I can’t because I have to believe that what I’ve been doing was right or my entire purpose will be called into question_?

How could he say _I can’t because if things change and our sides find out, they will kill you_?

_I can’t because you’re all I have_.

_I can’t bear to lose you, so I’ll push you away before we ever have to find out what would happen._

_I can’t because in the whole God-Created Universe, this right here, for me, this is all there is._

_I can’t because I love you_.

Aziraphale stood up slowly and puttered to his back room, where he sank into the couch cushions and then hung his head in his hands.

He could only hope this wasn’t the end.

(Luckily, of course it wasn’t).

(Luckily, they had a greater role to play, a child to raise, and an apocalypse to avert.)

(Luckily, luck had nothing to do with it at all.)

~~~

Aziraphale had really thought he could do it.

He really thought it would work.

He had truly believed that he could prevent the war between Heaven and Hell. That he could keep the planet he loved and all the beautiful things on it from being destroyed.

That he and Crowley could keep things at a balance.

But when he had spoken to the Archangels, proclaiming there needn’t be a war, they laughed at him. When Gabriel visited him on Earth, he told him to prepare, to “lose the gut” because he would need to fight. There would be a war on, after all.

But when he had talked to the Metatron, he couldn’t even get the message through to God herself. And God herself only knows the last time she had spoken to any of the angels at all. But even the Metatron wanted the war. You couldn’t win if there was no war.

But when he had spoken to Crowley, at the bandstand, the demon wanted to give up. He wanted them to bugger off to Alpha Centauri together. The thought that Crowley would want to have him along was cheering, and tempting, but then the Earth would be destroyed, and Aziraphale could not let that happen.

And when he was discorporated, and they told him to report to his platoon, he saw the preparation for war had already began, and he knew.

He knew that Heaven had become the same as Hell, in many ways. The same save the aesthetic and atmosphere. He knew that Heaven was ready to destroy everything in a war that could easily be averted. He knew that Heaven, in spite of their claim to love, was not so loving after all. He knew this could not be part of Her Plan and…and he knew that if it was, he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

He knew that if he didn’t do something, and do something soon, this would really be all there was.

He returned to Earth. He found the drunken, destroyed mess that was Crowley, and, eventually, they made their way to Tadfield air base.

Now, with the antichrist, three human children, four human adults, an angel, and a demon standing against the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and all of Heaven and Hell themselves, Aziraphale knew that this was all.

And as he stood behind Adam, next to Crowley, flaming sword in hand, he knew he would do all he could to make certain that this wasn’t the End of Days for Earth. He would make certain this wasn’t all there was.

And the world would either end or it wouldn’t.

(Spoiler alert: The world doesn’t end)

~~~

At the Ritz, with a toast “To the world” and the company of the person he loves most, Aziraphale smiles, content.

Because right now, in their little bubble, on their own side, they were together. And that is what matters. Because on the first day of the rest of their lives Aziraphale knows, and for once he is happy with it.

_God, this is all there is._

**Author's Note:**

> He stumbled into faith and thought / God this is all there is / The pictures in his mind arose / And began to breathe / And all the gods in all the worlds / Began colliding on a backdrop of blue
> 
> Blue lips / Blue veins 
> 
> He took a step but then felt tired / He said, I'll rest a little while / But when he tried to walk again / He wasn't a child / And all the people hurried past / Real fast and no one ever smiled
> 
> Blue lips / Blue veins / Blue, the color of the planet from far, far away
> 
> He stumbled into faith and thought / God this is all there is / The pictures in his mind arose / And began to breathe / And no one saw and no one heard / They just followed lead / The pictures in his mind awoke / And began to breed
> 
> They started off beneath the knowledge tree / Then they chopped it down to make white picket fences / They marched along the railroad tracks / And smiled real wide for the camera lenses / They made it past the enemy lines / Just to become enslaved in the assembly lines
> 
> Blue lips / Blue veins / Blue, the color of the planet from far, far away / Blue lips / Blue veins / Blue, the color of the planet from far, far away
> 
> Blue, the most human color / Blue, the most human color / Blue, the most human color / Blue lips / Blue veins / Blue, the color of our planet from far, far away


End file.
